Description : Today just feels like a lifetime, i must have done a million boring things and the day just doesn't seem to end...... can you tell I'm grumpy!
Why is it when you wake up the thing you just don't want to think about is the first thing that pops into your mind, typical and then that sets you up in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Everything follows that mood... you get out of bed and stand on something and hurt your foot, bang your arm in the door and then trip on your way down the stairs. If you were in a good mood none on this would happen would it. No!
If you make it out of the house that one thing you don't want to think about is just all around you, everywhere you look.
Step back in the door and slam it shut, crack open the wine and the chocolates and bury your head in the American trash on TV, with your laptop propped on your knee so you can see how the rest of the ladies are coping with today.......
Why when I started counting my cycle days they just get longer and longer? Why is every cycle difference, why does something else come along to make me worry every time? Why is every one else pregnant? Why not me?
Why can't I ever get any answers?
Life is so hard sometimes, I feel like I’m being punished. I want a baby, some people get that so easily, but not me. I have been trying now for over 9 months which is probably a fraction of the time some people have been trying, and my heart truly goes out to those. I honestly don't know how you cope. Each month seems to get harder and harder and everything changes the more time that passes.
I seem to go through stages each month. CD1 AF arrives and I am suffering devastation and denial. She’s here and there is nothing I can do, but in the back of my mind I know some people have periods when pregnant and there is a whisper in the back of my mind… I still could be. Once she has gone and I am back on track for lots of bd, plodding along feeling pretty numb about it all. Then after the date I'm supposed to ovulate I move up to cloud nine thinking in pregnant, feeling sick, getting funny tastes in my mouth - you know what they are girls! And the back to the start again....CD1 AF arrives and I’m suffering devastation
I’m currently on cd23 and to be honest I’m not sure what’s gong on, I seems to have convinced a part of me that its never going to happen. I struggle looking any further than this week; I can never thing of being pregnant, choosing names, thinking boy or girl, wondering how I will tell people. I’m stuck, stuck in here and now and am struggling to look forward and get excited for when I am pregnant. It's always an if, if I get pregnant, if I can have children.
I'm off to the gyna soon, hopefully you find out whether there is anything wrong or if they can help. Whilst I’m waiting I feel like my body has give up and is telling me I am not going to get pregnant so there isn’t any point going through the emotions any more.
I feel numb almost, its a strange feeling, I don't get stressed when we don't get enough bd, I don't get excited when I feel sick, I don't get scared its not going to happen and I don't get exited for when it does.
I hope that I can break this spell and look onwards and upwards and get excited and scared.....something would be nice.
I hope you will all stand along side me and shout, pray and wish.......please give us a chance to look forward with excitement and give us the opportunity to create, love, cherish and adore our little jewel we will be absolutely honoured to have.
