"Tell ur Thai teacher, she's good keeping u use good Thai, understand now why u dont take my calls. But I cant let u go!I hurt myself P, nothing U can do! Always remember ur question 'r u sure?' I accepted, its me! I accepted it! Fact is ur a boy in 5 latest years who drives my heart&brain out of order!"


Remark: to everyone visiting and keep reading my blog, especially a smart girl Lola, thank you for comments and thank you for messages you cheer me up, soothing me and even suggesting what I should do or can do. I do appreciate that. Today, I think I should start to accept that P has left me long time... before I think I can watch his back walking away, and I would keep smiling at his back. 6 months I have never stopped thinking of him, ... 6 months of fooling myself and my spirit to believe in my own dream... I don't know now, but I am sorry I might not be able to reach the 200..

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P sent 06/07/2007 10:08 AM:
Hello P, I am home, im ok trying to see my friends and catch up on some sleep.
I cant stop thinking about u, I miss u very much
P sent 06/07/2007 10:08 AM:
I will try to be online at night when you are at work bcuz I want to talk to u
P sent 06/07/2007 10:08 AM:
Hope to c u soon
P sent 06/07/2007 10:38 AM:
I want to hear your voice, if u can get a minute, go to the CC when no one is in there and dial .... It is a local USA call to my USA mobile (dont worry its not long distance) ; )
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This is message that saves my life of thinking of P too much, this is message I feel and I am sure "P misses me for real"!

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You know that all my blog is about P; happy, sad, cry, exciting, waiting, smiling, .... and from the 3rd of July until today, you could see my dream of P, and you could feel how my P walks away from me... day by day...

He leaves me, he drops me long time while I keep posting here "I can't let him go....". I thought time would heal me, but I never think about healing myself. I keep hurting myself by thinking of
the minutes he disappears,
the minutes he keeps quiet,
the minutes of reading his Thai,
the minutes P touches other girls,
the minutes he lets my calls ringing,
the minutes I call and the line switched to voice mail,
the minutes of calling 6 times in one day...no answer,no feedback,
the minutes sitting in the CC room feeling sad I can't call him,
the minutes telling myself he would be back,
the minutes telling myself he thinks of me, want me, need me,
the minutes checking Email but nothing from P,
the minutes I wait for his SMS,
the minutes I wait for his call,
the minutes I think to myself I am much older than him why he would turn to me...

When I miss him, I write it here... if I dont' stop I hurt myself more and more in each day....

My Panda has left me, ...crying on the floor, ...and I would heal myself....