Another perk of the alpha-wife arrangement: The woman's satisfaction with her professional success tends to permeate other areas of her life, says Scott Haltzman, M.D., clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University. "When a woman feels accomplished and appreciated, it elevates her state of mind, and everyone in the house benefits." That good will can even spill over into the bedroom. "We've never had a rough patch like some other couples we know," says Jim Cairl. "Being equals in our relationship makes it easier to be sexually intimate." Other husbands in this situation, such as Jake Whitsitt of Maple Grove, Minnesota, find that an alpha wife is often a happier wife. "Tanya is more fun to be around now," he says. Maybe it's because she knows that Jake — who works nights so that he can care for their two kids during the day — values her more than ever. "I appreciate her more in every way now that I'm handling a lot of the daily household responsibilities," he says. "Before, I knew they were there, but I had no idea how much time they took up."
This brave new world of marriage isn't without its pitfalls. As common as it's become for women to bring home most of the bacon, it's still a nontraditional arrangement, one that in-laws, bosses ‑- even your dry cleaner — may not understand. "My parents were a little baffled by my choice of a husband," says Ria Romano, 35, of Boca Raton, Florida, whose husband, Gustavo Verdes, earns less than a third of her $70,000-a-year salary. "But what I tell them is my husband makes me happy in the simplest ways." A united front is key to keeping this arrangement strong, says Mary Hotvedt, Ph.D., former president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Criticism of your choices can bring you closer rather than driving a wedge between you, she adds, "as long as you publicly stand up for each other."
And let's face it: Every man (like every woman) has an ego. It takes a secure guy to be okay with his wife pulling in a lot of the family money. "Many men define themselves by what they do," says Haltzman. "Guys who feel secure in their self-worth outside of work make the adjustment to this arrangement more easily." Sometimes when Ria Romano, who works as a marketing executive, suggests dinner at an upscale restaurant, Gustavo gets upset. "He has so much pride that he'll put his foot down and say, 'If I can't pay out of my salary, we're not going!'" A big earner can smooth the way by giving her spouse some ownership of her success — for example, letting him handle her PR at cocktail parties. "Give him bragging rights about your incredible job," says Haltzman. "That helps a guy know he has a role in your earning power."
Which brings up another he-makes-less hazard: battles over the proverbial purse strings. "It's essential to give him a sense of control over financial issues," says Haltzman. "One of the most destructive things you could do to your marriage is say, 'I earn all the money, I make all the decisions.' Powerlessness is death to a man." Jane and John Metcalfe's solution: "We make all decisions based on a collective need, rather than on who earns what," says Jane. All their money goes into a joint checking account so that "his" and "hers" immediately become "theirs." Combining resources is actually common, says Minetor: "The majority of these couples pool their money, and the spouse with more time and interest manages it." That's a good idea, says Haltzman, because having to ask for money can be humiliating for the lower earner.
Even women who derive satisfaction and pride from supporting their families may feel torn about their status. "Many women have been raised to believe their salaries should be their discretionary income — for extras, like wardrobes, vacations, presents, treats for the kids," says Hotvedt. "A woman who outearns her husband often has to adjust to thinking of the money as money for the team to spend on basics, and not