Description : Today just feels like a lifetime, i must have done a million boring things and the day just doesn't seem to end...... can you tell I'm grumpy!
Why is it when you wake up the thing you just don't want to think about is the first thing that pops into your mind, typical and then that sets you up in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Everything follows that mood... you get out of bed and stand on something and hurt your foot, bang your arm in the door and then trip on your way down the stairs. If you were in a good mood none on this would happen would it. No!
If you make it out of the house that one thing you don't want to think about is just all around you, everywhere you look.
Step back in the door and slam it shut, crack open the wine and the chocolates and bury your head in the American trash on TV, with your laptop propped on your knee so you can see how the rest of the ladies are coping with today.......
I am now 18 days late! I am now 432 hours late! I am now 25920 minutes late! I am now 1555200 second late!
Feels like a lifetime!
I have been wondering whether to test, but keep convincing myself its better not to, no matter how much i want to. I have done pretty well so far and haven't been too tempted or so i keep telling myself.
Today i wanted some me time, time to sit and do me things. I thought it was a good idea until me time things turned into checking my charts and googling pregnancy symptoms. I am now more tempted than ever. I have seen (probably imagined) a pattern in my temps of the past couple of months, which shows a rise in temps but only for a day or so. Does this mean i do ovulate after all?? My AF usually arrives 2 weeks, give a day or two, after this high temp..... Except this time!!!!!!
Does this mean.....am I.....could I be.......hmmmmm shall i test??? NO!
I’m telling myself..... You have been late in the past this isn’t any different to then, now stop over reacting and just get on with your day - I'm not really listening though, i keep wondering and thinking about it running through things like... I'm sure I'm not but if i was i would be 8 weeks already.
I should test and get it over with really, but... well don't tell anyone... I'm a little scared of the disappointment. I hate the fear factor of waiting for those lines, sitting there with the test facing the other way on the windowsill whilst you walk round the house for a few minutes that feel like hours thinking 'shall i look, i know its going to be a negative, so i may as well look' I never look at the test until I'm putting it in the bin, i have a quick look and then drop it in. I tell myself that i am tempting fate if i think its going to be positive and if i act as if I'm expecting a negative then it will be positive. I'm not crazy....honestly!!!
Another week until I can test anyway, I don't test when i have to go to work or I would be the work colleague from hell that day!
Seems like a lifetime ago when me and dp finally sat down and decided that we would ttc, it’s actually only 10 months, which to some people if a lifetimes and others a small window in a long story.
As times goes on things crop up and confuse me even more, I wonder why but I suppose its all part of the course to see whether I an strong enough to bring another life into this world.
Maybe we should think about it as a judging panel…
Judge 1 – the easy one, miss a pill and here you go
Judge 2 – makes you work for it, makes it a longer process.
Judge 3 – won’t pass you at all
At the moment I am stuck with judge 2 and suppose I should be lucky I’m not, or at least I hope I’m not with judge number 3.
When I first decided to some off the pill, from the first month everything went to so, apart from the fact I wasn’t pregnant.
I had a 35 day cycle, which arrived almost to the hour. No pain arrived and left pretty quickly.
After a few months judge 2, must have thought I was taking this to well, and decided to make things a little harder, make me late to get my hopes up and then let me down with a bfn and then a 2 week late af. As you do I got back up dusted myself off and went on with the battle. I was prepared to be late the following month.
Judge 2 obviously didn’t like that at all, so pushed the boundaries a little further and decided to give me a little spotting mid cycle as well as making me late again.
I reacted to this by stressing and wondering. I was confused, but also hoped this was implantation???
Unfortunately, I think I just upset judge 2 a bit more by getting hope from the challenge he had set.
He was back with vengeance this month…
Af arrives with some pain and left after a few days, back on course with a view to succeed some more bleeding and some more pain, after freaking out yet again I dusted myself off and got back to it only to be hit with more bleeding this time even worse!
I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take……. I’m waiting now to see whether I am going to be late, I’m sure I will be.
All I can hope with my hand on my heart is that, he doesn’t get angry and pass me on to judge number 3.
I have been TTC for 10 months now; my whole way of thinking seems to have changed.
I eat healthier; it helps apparently.
I don’t drink as much; during those times I could be… I convince yourself I am and decide not to drink.
Don’t decorate; because I think that there is no point when I will have to do it all again for the nursery.
Don’t plan; hold back on the nights out or booking girlie holidays because I could be pregnant or ovulating.
Don’t change my job; because of the maternity entitlement.
Clothes shopping; changes because that won’t fit me for long, my nights out mite be cancelled if I’m pregnant or ovulating or that won’t cover/hide a bump.
I don’t get anything on finance because I worry what will happen when I’m on maternity, so the new sofa or new car can wait.
Spend less time shopping on the net, and more time goggling ‘early pregnancy symptoms’ and ‘mid cycle bleeding’
Had a new kitchen and kept a cupboard empty ready for those bottles.
On Tuesday it was my god sons first birthday! How exciting, I have been looking forward to it for week. He was having a little party…how cute, his first little party.
Anyway, I had been off buying a present, some little bits for the party and was looking forward to it, couldn’t wait for the weekend to go.
I tried to get out of work early but my boss wasn’t having any of it, so there I was counting down the last few minutes so I couldn’t rush off to the party.
I was driving home singing along to the radio all excited looking forward to the fun and games……. How wrong could I have been?
I walked through the door and there was an abundance of mums with their babies and I just stood in shock as it hit be, my heart sunk.
I took a deep breath and told myself that this wasn’t the time of the place and I needed to get a hold of myself, so off I went into the unknown!
I was doing ok, I walked in gave the birthday boy a kiss and a cuddle and left his tearing open his present and I walked off into a quiet corner grabbing my nephew on the way.
I thought to myself, ok it’s not so bad is it!
I had sat in the corner of this room for what felt like a lifetime, but was about 3 minutes and all of a sudden the conversation along with everybody’s faces turned to me…..
When are you going to have a baby? Why aren’t you pregnant yet, what are you waiting for? Isn’t it about time you had a baby now? Shouldn’t you be giving these little monkeys a playmate?
Oh god, I could feel myself going a glowing shade of red, and my mouth began to water which could only mean one thing, I was going to cry!
I was fighting back the tears as the questions were flying at me, but I just couldn’t hold out any longer……
I went out of the nearest door, babbling something to do with dinner being in the over.
I just walked into my house and sat in the dark with only my tears for company, I felt awful.
I used to love the thought of waiting to meet the man of my dreams, waiting to fall in love, waiting for the right time in life, waiting for pay day, waiting for my next holiday waiting for christmas, waiting for my birthday and now im waiting my life away and not in a good way.
I start off waiting for the last day of my pill, waiting for af to come and for af to go, and then wait for ovulation and then the big two week wait. Then wait for the BFP. This goes on and on, waiting month after month. Then im waiting for a Doctors appointment who tells me to wait until after Christmas and go back. Wait until after Christmas and he tells me to wait until i hear from the hospital and in the meantime wait for dp to get a sperm test. Whilst waiting to hear I'm waiting for af to go, and then wait for ovulation and then the big two week wait. Waiting for the BFP, get a BFN and waiting for AF to arive, and then waiting, waiting and waiting for af to arive. Then i get spotting and waiting for the spotting to go, waiting for a positive OPK, waiting for a sign of ovulation, waiting for CM, waiting for 6 am so i can take my temp. Then I get a letter from the hospital who tells me I have another 20 week wait at least, and a 4 week wait after that.
I cant help but think there is going to be more of a wait. I wonder why?????
I have spent the morning with my sister and her baby, when we went to see our mum for mother’s day. It was so nice; my sister had got a present for my mum of her little boy and a lovely card. I just sooooooo wish I could have done something like that, I can't wait for it! I know it’s really selfish but I just felt like mothers day revolved around the baby and not mum like it should have.
I'm sure I would have been exactly the same if it was my little boy though and I do realise how much of a cow I sound!!!
I went to my friend’s house after to speak to her and all I got was talk of her and the twins she is expecting. I love talking about them, but it hurts so so much, I know I will tear myself up once I have left. She was explaining how scared she was and how she couldn't believe it and how she is just sick all the time. All I could think of was....I wish!
I just get sooooo frustrated with it, and there is nothing I can do about it, I don't want to loose her as a friend but I can see myself seeing her less and less because I get to upset.
How can I get through this, what can I do to feel positive about it. I really don’t know it’s too hard.
All I seem to do is moan about it all the time, but I just can’t see past it! Help!
Why when I started counting my cycle days they just get longer and longer? Why is every cycle difference, why does something else come along to make me worry every time? Why is every one else pregnant? Why not me?
Why can't I ever get any answers?
Life is so hard sometimes, I feel like I’m being punished. I want a baby, some people get that so easily, but not me. I have been trying now for over 9 months which is probably a fraction of the time some people have been trying, and my heart truly goes out to those. I honestly don't know how you cope. Each month seems to get harder and harder and everything changes the more time that passes.
I seem to go through stages each month. CD1 AF arrives and I am suffering devastation and denial. She’s here and there is nothing I can do, but in the back of my mind I know some people have periods when pregnant and there is a whisper in the back of my mind… I still could be. Once she has gone and I am back on track for lots of bd, plodding along feeling pretty numb about it all. Then after the date I'm supposed to ovulate I move up to cloud nine thinking in pregnant, feeling sick, getting funny tastes in my mouth - you know what they are girls! And the back to the start again....CD1 AF arrives and I’m suffering devastation
I’m currently on cd23 and to be honest I’m not sure what’s gong on, I seems to have convinced a part of me that its never going to happen. I struggle looking any further than this week; I can never thing of being pregnant, choosing names, thinking boy or girl, wondering how I will tell people. I’m stuck, stuck in here and now and am struggling to look forward and get excited for when I am pregnant. It's always an if, if I get pregnant, if I can have children.
I'm off to the gyna soon, hopefully you find out whether there is anything wrong or if they can help. Whilst I’m waiting I feel like my body has give up and is telling me I am not going to get pregnant so there isn’t any point going through the emotions any more.
I feel numb almost, its a strange feeling, I don't get stressed when we don't get enough bd, I don't get excited when I feel sick, I don't get scared its not going to happen and I don't get exited for when it does.
I hope that I can break this spell and look onwards and upwards and get excited and scared.....something would be nice.
I hope you will all stand along side me and shout, pray and wish.......please give us a chance to look forward with excitement and give us the opportunity to create, love, cherish and adore our little jewel we will be absolutely honoured to have.
Isn't it strange how a few small simple words like
You Next?.....
Can break your heart!!!
You use them in every day life, and by now i alone will have used them millions of times together and separately. You would never expect that words like that can hurt, but they do.
Trying for a baby changes the way you see..... most things..... feels like everything. You never expect it to change the meaning of a few simple words. To those who are not ttc they will mean nothing as they did to me, but for those ttc they will mean the world.
Every time these few simple words pass the lips from someone close or a stranger they echo through your brain and down to your heart and tear you up from the inside and you wish with all your heart and power .......
