get to this awful point? Seventeen years ago I was having the time of my life and working abroad (well if you can call going to war working abroad). I was a 10-12 had all the attention, and more, that I could have wished for. We worked hard and played hard, and I loved it. It was like M*A*S*H with palm trees and it was an amazing time, when I fell in love for the first and last time (I wouldn't say anymore because I remain loyal to his memory . even though he has long since forgotten me I expect,but we did meet several times in the subsequent years).
Anyway how did I go from that happy go lucky dizzy blonde in combats by day and beautifuly dressed by night, to a depressed overweight unattractive nobody who only ventures out of the door (literally) to go to work? What happened? I don't know but my C.O. once said to me "S**** go home have a t********** otherwise it will ruin your career". He also said "S**** make the most of this darling because it will never get as good as this again". Now there was a phrophet if ever there was one. If I could answer my own question I would be back to being S**** again, instead of being invisible.
weight just a different day 13st 12.5. My bruises hurt and the fact that he acts like absolutely nothing has happened and expects me to be completely normal with him is unbelievable. When I can bring myself to speak to him I am giving him one of two options; he either goes to counselling (and I will go to) or the next time (because there WILL be a next time) I call the police.
the will and motivation to care about myself. I've taken to my bed and on Friday had to defend myself against my own son (again), who went for me like a man would go for another man in a brawl. The worst though was when he taunted me about my weight and mocked me mercessly until I was hunched up in tears - then he mocked me more for crying. The words hurt more than the bruises I have.
13st 9.25 and had a bad week otherwise, ending up in the physio dept at work with tendonitis in my r.arm . I then burst into tears when the physio said what activities did I outside of work. I told her the truth I go to work and I get home and once I close the door I literally don't step foot outside(*) until the next week because I'm ashamed at being fair, fat and forty-one. Next weekend I'm going away with my immediate family and it might seem like a contradication to what I've just mentioned(*), but you'd have to be in my head and my shoes to understand how it is. I avoid answering the door unless Mr.Tesco calls (then I shut it again very quickly), leave the window cleaners money on the ledge, beg my son to bring the refuse bin in from the road (even though it's only about ten paces), and basically hide myself from one week to the next. Explain then why it is I can go to work and be lively and cheerful 99% of the time and support people with miscarriages and cancer, then come home and go to pieces. If I had the answer then I wouldn't be in this lost valley.
ok on this eat every two and a half hours thing and still weigh 13 st 9.25. I recommend it if only to stamp out sugar highs and lows and the craving caused by the highs and lows. If I get through the next time of the month without faltering I will definately be convinced it works.
hours seems to working - very very slowly. I now weigh 13st 9 & 3/4. And I actually feela lot better than I have in ages , ? it has something to do with keeping blood sugar levels on a constant. If I fail I fail but whilst I feel positive I'll maintain the momentum and by the time I return to the hotel in October, that I went to in May, I won't be self consciouly waddling in, in size 18-20 - it will hopefully be me gracefully gliding in in size 12-14 and enjoying every minute of it.
on tv said a golden rule to dieting was to eat every, either 2 to 2.5hrs (can't remember which). So I've done this for two days and now weigh 13st 10.5. It seems to keep you on an even keel and regulates blood sugar levels, so stops highs and lows of cravings. We'll see....
up of living in a fat suit;I want to unzip it and jump out and have fun. Today I weigh 13st 11.5 and yesterday I tipped the scales at 13st 13.75. Cancer research gives diet tips based on healthy principals and it makes an awful lot of common sense. The things that stood out were to eat at exactly the same times every day and to stand and move about for ten mintues every hour if you live a relatively sedentary life. It's idiots guide stuff really but when you've lacked any sense of motivation for so long through being in a rut it's a mountain to climb just to get going on the basics. To think in 1989 I was the fittest I'd ever been and could run two miles in eleven mintues and now I get out of breath running up and down stairs ten times. I disgust myself sometimes, well most of the time.
torment myself as much as I do? After all when you're sat with someone when they get a diagnosis of agressive cancer, it dwarfs your own woes into insignificance. So rather than be self absorbed about being overweight I thought I could turn it into something positive and use my extra pounds into real extra £££££'s and raise money for the place I went to yesterday, a world renowned cancer hospital. I'm going to put the idea to everyone at work and hopefully they will support me.
Anyway I weigh 13st 11.25 today but ten minutes away there's a lady waking up with the knowledge she's got agressive cancer, so who am I to feel sad about the numbers.
day, 13st 11.5 again today. Got so much housework to do today and as I once read vigorous cleaning is just as efffective as an aerobic workout, hopefully tomorrow the scales will read less. I know there's nothing wrong with me apart from my weight, but I wish I could stop equating my worth with how fat or slim I am, because I don't think about anyone else in that context.
