I disappeared some days from this blog, not feeling good and even feeling upset.

I write this blog because I fall for one boy. Keeping the feeling inside myself really causes pain in my heart sometimes, but sometimes it is good and even makes me smile for whole week. So, I keep putting my feeling on a boy I call “P”.. since the day he has gone back home.. till now.

I know what I feel on P, and I fully know he knows well about it. Since he gets back, my feeling on him is the same and even more and more. Some months passes, we keep in touch through some calls, some SMS, Email and all the time P always shows his .. hum.. nice. I keep telling myself he cares of me, though I know this is normal for P, he is nice and even wants to be nice. But later months, I can’t call him, whether phone problem or he does not want to pick up the call (because sometime there was signal, but no answer and no call back)... I don’t know. When my dark side started to think that P left me, he didn’t want me anymore, .. I tried to stick to my Good side, thinking that he cares of me and ... one day my P would get back, give him times...

My bad day was my B-day !! Though I was not serious about B-day, but deeply in my heart I wanted him remember that the 7th was my B-day. B-day ... I don’t mind if nobody remembers mine or not, but... I have special person in my heart, it would be great if he just sends ... hum.. SMS to me, only that is enough, only that I could live my life happily without knowing if in the future we can meet again or not. Though I know we talked about B-day only one or two times, I deeply hoped P would still remember my B-day... And on my B-day, I silently waited for his call or SMs or Email or ... anything from him that showed that he remembered...
But there was nothing from P.

I silently waited for him till the clock stopped right at 12.00 at night... no SMS, no call ! “Another 15 min.” I told myself, “come on.. you can remember”.... But nothing!

I didn’t know but ... I burst out crying! I know what I feel on P is a one side feeling; I feel good all the time knowing he is happy, I feel good to give... but deeply I do wish he could care for me.. for real!

I sent him SMS, I really believed he didn’t want me anymore... I was so sad..

Next day, no news from P all day; no SMS, no calls, ... I spent all day telling myself P surely got my SMS, and if he didn’t want to say anything... he made it clear from his side. Even I didn’t understand why he could keep silent from me though he knew I was so sad...this is anyway the truth. I couldn’t do anything, what I know all the time is now real, true and I have to accept it...

****I asked myself again and again and again and again...I can’t stop thinking of him. Can’t make it that easy...*****

Thinking about it, as I said before “if he doesn’t feel on me the way I feel on him there is nothing wrong with me” . I would still continue this blog. Here, I write how I feel on P, though it is happy & sad& exciting & upset& fun .... I put it here and would still put it here. Whether he disappears, can’t get back to me, still busy with his life & busy work, ... This minute my feeling on him is still the same, well ..if he wants to go, I can’t do anything. I know I feel sad, it hurts, pain right on my heart, still I can't turn my back on P. Time would heal me as ever, whether he would come back or not, .. there is nothing wrong with my feeling on him. I would never hurt him or cause him trouble .. because he is a "sunshine in my day"... a boy who could make me cry and smile in the same day :)

“The Terminal” ...thanks for this movie, I feel much better.

Friday 7, is my birhtday. Oh.. it must be on December too!

I got up early, offering food to the monk with my mum, get dress and come to work early... just want to be sure I have enough time to make a call...

But as usual.. nobody picks up the line! I said before I would tell nothing because I am not sure about the answer. But just to hear his voice could be my happy B-day present... But if I can't get him on line, I can't. My B-day is still my happy day and ... it does not mean P does not care of me (I hope!)

No party! Last year, my colleaques and I celebrated my B-day at the club in KK, ... this year I feel not want to.

Wish everything good happens to me, wish I can be this tough and dedicate person, wish my family is happy and ... wish I can live long...

Happy B-day, Ppooh :)

I called you at lunch time today, but .. failed again!! :(

I couldn't call P almost a month! I really don't know why. Perhaps, P changes his mobile, new service, or moving to be underground (kidding!). When I call from my mobile & my homephone or at CC, it is the same, the signal sounds like "rain", about 1-2 times ringing, the line is switched to voice mail... :) By chance, sometimes there is signal, but there is no answer... sleeping Panda!

Just want you know I miss you, P!

Arhhhhhhhh... this is too SMALL FOR ME !!

I got this from my sis girl, she asked our friend to bring it for me for my special day! It is fine to get this present earlier, but the size is not mine !!!

I then called her and complained if she was not sure about the size, next time she had better ask first :) You know what she said "well, sometimes you look too small, though sometimes you look big, I think you bottom should be a bit less than your top"! Girl !!

My friend asked if I got news from ... someone, I said "no",

"do you think he would pop up before your Bday?",
"hum.. I think NO"
"Why? He has ... gone... ??"
"I don't know, I heard there is changing over there. I don't even know if his Email address is still the same, or change or...but yeah I haven't asked him"
"Why you don't call him??, tell him,... he might forget !!"
" ......"
**************

I know I always want to talk to P, and want to hear his voice, but.. I couldn't call him for some times already; phone problem perhaps. I think if I send SMS to him and ask him to call me on my Bday,

if he calls, it would be great!!!. If he calls because he wants to talk to me, its everything I have waited for. BUT !! if he calls because he wants to be nice.. as he is, if it is the second one, I would prefer, ... no call.

if he doesn't call though I send him SMS, ... hehehe.. that would be too much for me to handle !

I would prefer... telling nothing; he might forget or too much work to do... I would feel more comfortable to believe so.

We can't force anybody to care for us... My motto at work is "Respect & Trust is what you gain, you can't buy it". The same, you can't force anybod to care for you, ... if they do, they do. If they don't, there is nothing wrong with you... just he .. does not show his care for you.... :)

How far I could deal with it, accept it and be happy with it... I don't know. One thing for sure, I never want to do anything that is against my feeling. So, whether call or no call, if I still have this warm feeling on P, ... I would not waste time to hurt myself, but I would stick to my positive thinking ( :0) that one day...he would come for his key .... I am not crazy, I know what I am doing, I mean it!