Description : Let me re-say something about myself, I make this blog just to remember myself of the feeling I have on one boy, there is no binding, not due when it is gonna end, but i would keep writing here about how and how much I feel for him....
I am the first child of the family, big girl with intention to make good and do good for my family.
I love to write as it make me feel better after I could releasing what is inside my brain and my thought and my heart...
Remember first time we met day one Kids in the garden' playin' games heaven' fun Excitin' and amazin' havin' a real friend of mine Feel my heart and 4 real I am blind, Face to face and eye to eye
Usin' our hands to buy and supply Chillin' is cool from January to June And we still sticked together like the glue And know the rules Forever you and I and believe it was clear If I ever should fall I could count on you with no fear Runnin' out of time I see who's fake Alone without protection from all them snakes All for one one for all I was told Black white yellow no matter if your young or old Nana's in the house to let you know What I see is how I feel and damn I'm alone I am lonely lonely lonely I am lonely lonely in my life I am lonely lonely lonely God help me help me to survive! Bridge Everybody's trippin' on me Oh lord come help me please I did some bad things in my life Why can't you rescue me 'cause you've got all I need I know I got to pay the price Lonely Creepin' thru the streets at night after a fuss and fight Tears in my eyes I'm a man lookin' for the light Dark is the path I know he will rescue me The lord is my shephard I'm cool despite emergency Whom shall I fear exept the god Thank you for the blessin' and the skils on the mic Five years we know there's no diggity Free at last see the light in me What goes up must come down I'll be around while you heading towards deathtown Always look forward hardly never look back So many tears and the snakes on my jack Now I'm riding in my big fat ride Your ass is late so look for the line Nana in the house to let you know What I see is how I feel so leave me alone Lonely Knock on my door whom you lookin' for A dream or reality enemies at my door Eyes I realize it's fantasize I must be high So let me live before I die Once again grab the bottle twist the cap To survive your life is yours my life is mine No emotions in this world full of lies Step my step and be versatile Love peace and care that's what it's all about Alone by yourself than you lack there's no doubt about I'm always into something making moves to improve What would you do if you where in my shoes Boom a letter oops another suicide Meet me for a ride at the boulevard Nana's in the house to let you know What I see is how I feel and damn I'm alone
Let me hold you Let me disappear inside your arms Let me have you Only you can take away this pain Let me hold you
Let me disappear inside your arms Let me have you Only you can take away this pain
Here alone I sit and wait For your call Can ya get away Just for a little while, hey What will it take? To show you To persuade you You're the only one
You're the only one
Let me hold you Let me hold you Let me disappear inside your arms Let me have you Let me have you Only you can take away this pain My pain
Let me hold you Let me disappear inside your arms Let me have you Let me have you 'cause only you can take away this pain
Can't you understand that I Can't you understand that I I can't get over you, baby 'cause my heart breaks for you What will it take? What will I say? Yes You're the only one
Let me have you Let me have you Please Let me
Let me have you? Feels so good Baby, baby Baby baby Feels so good Take away this pain.
I sent SMS & Email of HBD card to P, December 18, is his birhthday!
In fact I want to call, but ... I think it will be the same, no answer. He might receive many calls and SMS and cards and gifts, ... and I am not the one he wants to talk to on his special day. I feel I want to talk to my special one on my B-day, P should feel the same, the different is just the one he wants to talk to ... is not me.
Just I have to accept it!
Wish you happy, wish you healthy, wish you wealthy, wish one day you know & understand how I really feel on you.
I love to read since I was young till now. Problem is that I choose to read only what I am interested in,not all types. I know that is why I miss the right meaning sometimes because I don't open for all but only what I am interested in. When I read more, I understand more and know more and start to read people, my interest is not all books anymore.
Worse is that sometimes I get it right and sometimes I get it wrong. Many times I myself can't understand people. The more I read people and try to understand and analyze people's behavior, I get upset because people now is just "fake" But surely some are "Nice" & "Dedicate" & "Real" & and "Happy with what they have".
But anyway this is life, as I said all the time.. once you know, you are prepared. But my case, I think too much and I think I know too much, though sometimes what I know is not true... so I have to keep reading to get more to the truth. It hurts.. you know! But I have never thought of give it up. Why? I am too coward to know that something wrong will happen to me and I don't know how to deal with it and I could get so upset and ... I am afriad I would forget everything at the end. Many times, when I get upset and hurt at a very very bad level, I couldn't remember anything. I got lost and .... couldn't remember thing or people. It is not a real memory lost, but I keep myselt behind the wall, block my own self from others.. it is scary I tell you. I was like that before! It is not only shock, but I block too; block myself from others !!!
Last night I was working till midnight, there were 2 SMS... you will not believe, ...P sent me SMS !!! He dropped his cellphone in water and he said sorry that he didn't get to talk to me on my Bday... he was sorry about it....................................... I still miss him so much no doubt, I sent back SMS and thank you that he gets back.
Even I am so busy, I put him as my first priority! I call him and talk to him any times I want if I can get him on phone. We talked and we laughed together... But, obviously now .....it is far less talk and laugh like before. I couldn't sleep last night... keep thinking, why he come back??? I know I want him come back, but....... it is not like this !
We talked and laughed and thought of each other for some months and ....P disappeared ... and again coming back saying sorry I did't forget your B-day, but my cellphone dropped in water so I couldn't get to talk to you..........
You know what I think, if P works he dedicates, when he enjoys life he jumps on it. I don't think P is there surrounded my his close friends, and I dont' think he goes out every night to club or to join the racing gang. It is not possible for P that disappeared from me because he lost his phone, ...I called but no answer many times...many times...many times He disappears from me for... 2 months already... I just don't want to accept !
Only reason that could keep him disappear from me is that... he has someone to talk to and to laugh with... who could make him forget me. Someone who is now his toplist, who he now cares for.... I think he gets back to me..because he thinks it is just too long time that he disappears and he knows I would be sad. P is nice and he doesn't want me to feel sad.."I feel very good that I get you back" though you get back just because you feel pity on me.... thank you anyway!...............
Remember he said to me before "if you trust me, you should not care who I eat with".........I remember and still remember until today. That is why I say to myself, when he has enough he would get back... But..when?? Yes... when P knows and really understands how I feel on him.I don't know what to do, ... my thought hurts me always
Whoever he enjoys life with, ... wish she is good to him and make him happy. Be good girl, be good boy, be good to each other.
Purchasing plan, advertisement for the exhibitions artwork, and some instructions!! Instruction again?? Yes, because the instruction manager has gone on vacation. But frankly I believe people here trust in my quality than the instruction manager's why I think so?? because whether he stays or is out of office, nothing happen, no movement.. nobody talks to each other!! BUT if I disappear, there would be many problems and finally "OK, let's do it when you get back !!" Dam mm !! Instruction is not my job, you pay me for managing purchasing, you know that !!!!!!!! Anyway, at the end, it is my weakpoint to accept doing many thing, so .. if I can do and even can do fast and good job, it is UNREASONABLE to other people if I refuse to do the job WHICH IS NOT MINE! And to me, if I can do and do it fast, ... I do it ! Jerk as ever!
Anyway, I would be OK to stick to and mess my life now with work because it helps me not to lose control asking myself why a boy I ... miss so much disappears from me. To other people I am tough and smart and even serious type, but inside it is my private life. When I feel I like someone, I am happy to feel so. I have never tried to stay quiet and let the one who feel on me understand himself that I don't want him anymore because I don't take all good boys as my rewards; call them special persons and at the end knowing nothing about them because they are not right guy. If I like someone, we get together. If it is not, it is true for us and we end it. I don't say we go back and be friend, because I have never upgraded "friend" to be "Boyfriend".
Whatever, people are different I know that. Sometimes when I know someone, there might be some part I don't know in him and still can't read it. But I always try my best to make it clear, because I know how people feel when something unclear happens to their life, I faced it before. I just need a clear understanding of what I am thinking.
P said to me "if you don't hear from me it does not mean I don't think of you", " you can call me any time, it is not annoying to me", " I miss you"...... BUT he disppears from me!!; no SMS, no Email, I called, but no answer, and even .. no call back! I don't know where he is, if he is healthy, sad or tired, not sure if he still works at the same office, how's his life, ...
If you know that someone wants you and would never even think to hurt you... would you still keep quiet?? If you don't want anybody, especially don't want anybody to continue his life waiting and thinking of you anymore, don't you want to make it clear??? I don't understand, never be able to understand !!!
If I keep thinking to myself, P is enjoying his life, and when he has enough, he would get back. I sent him SMS saying I lost the Key...but when checking more carefully ... I always hold the key, it is still with me, just he comes back..
But sometime, action is more clear than words... I could not help thinking that he wants to leave me and just too nice to say "goodbye", and this really hurts me. I know I don't want to know that but at least "it is me"!! I wish he is strong enough to face the truth and be able to tell me he needs his pieces heart back...
