"Tell ur Thai teacher, she's good keeping u use good Thai, understand now why u dont take my calls. But I cant let u go!I hurt myself P, nothing U can do! Always remember ur question 'r u sure?' I accepted, its me! I accepted it! Fact is ur a boy in 5 latest years who drives my heart&brain out of order!"


Remark: to everyone visiting and keep reading my blog, especially a smart girl Lola, thank you for comments and thank you for messages you cheer me up, soothing me and even suggesting what I should do or can do. I do appreciate that. Today, I think I should start to accept that P has left me long time... before I think I can watch his back walking away, and I would keep smiling at his back. 6 months I have never stopped thinking of him, ... 6 months of fooling myself and my spirit to believe in my own dream... I don't know now, but I am sorry I might not be able to reach the 200..

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P sent 06/07/2007 10:08 AM:
Hello P, I am home, im ok trying to see my friends and catch up on some sleep.
I cant stop thinking about u, I miss u very much
P sent 06/07/2007 10:08 AM:
I will try to be online at night when you are at work bcuz I want to talk to u
P sent 06/07/2007 10:08 AM:
Hope to c u soon
P sent 06/07/2007 10:38 AM:
I want to hear your voice, if u can get a minute, go to the CC when no one is in there and dial .... It is a local USA call to my USA mobile (dont worry its not long distance) ; )
-------------------------------

This is message that saves my life of thinking of P too much, this is message I feel and I am sure "P misses me for real"!

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You know that all my blog is about P; happy, sad, cry, exciting, waiting, smiling, .... and from the 3rd of July until today, you could see my dream of P, and you could feel how my P walks away from me... day by day...

He leaves me, he drops me long time while I keep posting here "I can't let him go....". I thought time would heal me, but I never think about healing myself. I keep hurting myself by thinking of
the minutes he disappears,
the minutes he keeps quiet,
the minutes of reading his Thai,
the minutes P touches other girls,
the minutes he lets my calls ringing,
the minutes I call and the line switched to voice mail,
the minutes of calling 6 times in one day...no answer,no feedback,
the minutes sitting in the CC room feeling sad I can't call him,
the minutes telling myself he would be back,
the minutes telling myself he thinks of me, want me, need me,
the minutes checking Email but nothing from P,
the minutes I wait for his SMS,
the minutes I wait for his call,
the minutes I think to myself I am much older than him why he would turn to me...

When I miss him, I write it here... if I dont' stop I hurt myself more and more in each day....

My Panda has left me, ...crying on the floor, ...and I would heal myself....

The cremation was done yesterday, but we still offered food to the monks in the morning, so we could officially say that the funeral finished today.

Since sad days since Sun, Mon, Tue, and the cremation finished on Wed, it seems people can resist more of the sadness. There was laughs last night instead of crying like some days ago.

At the temple, when I was reading the farewell, I really couldn't control my voice and emotion, I didn't cry.. but my voice expressed clearly I cried inside.. unlike the family who cries out loud...

After staying at midnight since Sun, last night I again went to bed at 1am because I still couldn't be back to my normal sleeping time. Watched 2 movies because I couldn't go to sleep.

Trying to call P last night and this morning, but failed "please leave you message....". I felt sad insideand I miss P alot. I wanted to talk to him. If I die tomorrow, at least I repeat to him already how much he means to me. Seeing more of the death, make me appreciate more of life. I want to see P again, though I have no idea when... and though he still does not feel on me the same way I feel on him. Hate to live with this; the truth and what I dream of!

Not only spending time hurting myself by thinking of one boy who I know I could only watch his back, for long time, there is another sadness for me .. for us!

While shopping with my mom in KK on last Sun, 23. I was told that our nephew passed away in motorbike accident!!! Shocked.... sad .. and we headed back home immediately. 'Mos', son of Franz (my uncle and my boss) was put in a coffin already. Everybody cries, his parents & little Alissa !! I was shocked more than feeling like to cry, when seeing Chantee cried, I had to hold it because I feel like I needed to be strong! The coffin was placed in front of the house, next to his decorated Christmas tree.. I really don't like this scene.

There are things I have learned (again); different culture, different belief, different attitudes, .. there was shouting & crying & discussing again and again over the funeral ceremony... and I was asked to read the farewell to my nephew at the funeral. Not difficult at all, but just don't cry out....

The ceremony is tomorrow, it is hard for everyone to handle especially the parents & relatives...

I have been waiting for the day of annoucement that I would be transferred to Quality Dept, wait for almost 3-4 months already.

BUT I WAS INFORMED TODAY.. IT IS DELAYED!! AT FIRST THE FEEDBACK SEEMED OK, THEN ONCE THE HIGH SEASON STARTS, NOBODY WANTS TO PAY ATTENTION & KEEP FOLLOWING UP ON THIS. PEOPLE FOCUS SHIPMENTS, SHIP! SHIP! SEND ALL OUT... poor me!

I get tired of Purchasing, which is in fact not only Purchasing, it is Super Procurement + Marketing + Logistics !!!!! Tired!

I know I can work like this because my mom takes good care of me, which means I don't have to take care of my work at house including cooking, and I don't have anything more interesting than dedicated 150% on my work. (I do wish sometimes I could fall for a boy just because they smile at me or just being a good looking guy, or being a smart person, .... I mean it ! I sometimes hate myself why I have to spend time with boy till I am impressed or attracted by his attitudes, life, brain, ... it takes too long time and I give up .. Oh sometimes boy gives up first because he thinks I am just too difficult... well as I am) Again, if I can fall for a boy easily I perhaps can have a ... well fun moment (well, this is what other people call)!!

Remember the CC project, it takes ..well, I would say, over one year to start. And we are making better in every steps (I hope because I don't know in detail now;)

I don't hate purchasing, but I do too many things and in fact I can't be good at anything. What I do is routine job, but because of different products & packagings & instructions & Labels & projects in each year, I still feel exciting to work and focus. But to jump to something new is what I need as well. Procurement ! Boring :(

I feel like this end of the year is not my special time of the year at all, nothing interesting, same old mess, tired, ... especially I can't get over the sickness of missing someone too much !!