Another perk of the alpha-wife arrangement: The woman's satisfaction with her professional success tends to permeate other areas of her life, says Scott Haltzman, M.D., clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown University. "When a woman feels accomplished and appreciated, it elevates her state of mind, and everyone in the house benefits." That good will can even spill over into the bedroom. "We've never had a rough patch like some other couples we know," says Jim Cairl. "Being equals in our relationship makes it easier to be sexually intimate." Other husbands in this situation, such as Jake Whitsitt of Maple Grove, Minnesota, find that an alpha wife is often a happier wife. "Tanya is more fun to be around now," he says. Maybe it's because she knows that Jake — who works nights so that he can care for their two kids during the day — values her more than ever. "I appreciate her more in every way now that I'm handling a lot of the daily household responsibilities," he says. "Before, I knew they were there, but I had no idea how much time they took up."
This brave new world of marriage isn't without its pitfalls. As common as it's become for women to bring home most of the bacon, it's still a nontraditional arrangement, one that in-laws, bosses ‑- even your dry cleaner — may not understand. "My parents were a little baffled by my choice of a husband," says Ria Romano, 35, of Boca Raton, Florida, whose husband, Gustavo Verdes, earns less than a third of her $70,000-a-year salary. "But what I tell them is my husband makes me happy in the simplest ways." A united front is key to keeping this arrangement strong, says Mary Hotvedt, Ph.D., former president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Criticism of your choices can bring you closer rather than driving a wedge between you, she adds, "as long as you publicly stand up for each other."
And let's face it: Every man (like every woman) has an ego. It takes a secure guy to be okay with his wife pulling in a lot of the family money. "Many men define themselves by what they do," says Haltzman. "Guys who feel secure in their self-worth outside of work make the adjustment to this arrangement more easily." Sometimes when Ria Romano, who works as a marketing executive, suggests dinner at an upscale restaurant, Gustavo gets upset. "He has so much pride that he'll put his foot down and say, 'If I can't pay out of my salary, we're not going!'" A big earner can smooth the way by giving her spouse some ownership of her success — for example, letting him handle her PR at cocktail parties. "Give him bragging rights about your incredible job," says Haltzman. "That helps a guy know he has a role in your earning power."
Which brings up another he-makes-less hazard: battles over the proverbial purse strings. "It's essential to give him a sense of control over financial issues," says Haltzman. "One of the most destructive things you could do to your marriage is say, 'I earn all the money, I make all the decisions.' Powerlessness is death to a man." Jane and John Metcalfe's solution: "We make all decisions based on a collective need, rather than on who earns what," says Jane. All their money goes into a joint checking account so that "his" and "hers" immediately become "theirs." Combining resources is actually common, says Minetor: "The majority of these couples pool their money, and the spouse with more time and interest manages it." That's a good idea, says Haltzman, because having to ask for money can be humiliating for the lower earner.
Even women who derive satisfaction and pride from supporting their families may feel torn about their status. "Many women have been raised to believe their salaries should be their discretionary income — for extras, like wardrobes, vacations, presents, treats for the kids," says Hotvedt. "A woman who outearns her husband often has to adjust to thinking of the money as money for the team to spend on basics, and not

For many couples, the she-earns-more scenario allows both partners to pursue what they love. Victoria Cairl, 27, of New York City, who describes herself as career-driven, is able to work the kind of hours needed to get ahead in the competitive world of advertising because her husband, Jim, 30, an aspiring actor, cares for their two daughters. Jim, meanwhile, has the schedule he needs: He has time for auditions because he doesn't hold down a 9-to-5 job. It's that kind of out-of-the-box thinking that can make a marriage truly happy, says Coontz: "Instead of blindly following gender scripts — sometimes at great personal cost — more and more couples are arranging their marriages to play up everyone's individual strengths and build the best lives for their families."
Other pairs embrace this financial flip-flop as a way to have more time together. When Debbie and Paul Harrington married in 1998, they were workaholics — he was a software engineer and she was a technology consultant in San Francisco. Both were highly paid, but their fat paychecks weren't enough to justify the toll two big jobs took on their marriage. "We realized we'd jeopardize our relationship if we both continued working high-powered jobs," says Debbie. "We weren't seeing much of each other, and when we were together, we were exhausted." They came up with a plan together after returning home from simultaneous business trips that kept them apart for five weeks. "We'd have midnight phone conversations," says Debbie. "I'd say, 'I just saw the Great Wall of China. You would've loved it.' He'd say, 'I almost ordered the lobster because that's what you would've picked.' When we got home, I said, 'You don't want to live through me and I don't want to live through you, but is there a middle path we can take?'"
The answer the Harringtons came up with recalls a simple lesson they learned as kids: Take turns. Instead of working all-consuming jobs simultaneously, one would bring in the big paycheck, while the other would work freelance from home. Debbie took her turn as high-earner first. As a senior partner at a technology marketing firm, she makes in the low six figures; Paul makes half that working as an independent consultant. "When you're both hard-charging people, it's hard for one to stand back and let the other make the big paycheck," Debbie says. "But now we actually get to hang out together, and that's worth more."
TO BE CONTINUED.....